habituate (verb). accustom

June 7, 2008

I’m sitting here feeling as guilty as hell.
You see, my parents went to visit my grandmother today, and before they left, they asked me if I wanted to go as well. I sat there for an honest minute contemplating whether I should go or not. In the end, I decided not to go (hence I’m here feeling guilty). The reasons include this Agriculture assessment coming up and the fact that it’s freezing outside. But above all, the real reason is because I fear what I’m going to see and hear.
I’m scared of what I’m going to see: My grandmother’s ‘skin wearing on her bones’.
I’m scared of what I’m going to hear: My grandmother’s senility speaking.
Last time I visited my grandmother, it took her 5 minutes (and what felt like hours) to remember who I was. In those 5 minutes, I felt an array of emotions that I never thought I could feel: scared, hurt, angry, oblivious, lost, detached, unloved, sick, confused, cut, betrayed, disappointed, childish, sad.

I don’t want to feel these emotions. It’s not that I can’t handle it, its more so, not now. Call me selfish if you wish, but I really am tired of being sad/mopey and feeling guilty. I don’t want to relive how I felt during those 5 minutes. I’ve habituated myself to live without her presence, and she probably has too.
What I live on now is the mere memories we had together. They make me the most happiest, and I truly hope they make her happy too.

I paid a visit to Liverpool Library today. Just to get some Biology terms for this Agriculture assessment, and to borrow some Mathematics and Mathematics Ext 1 revision books. I’m really scared for the upcoming maths tasks, I really need to climb that rank ladder. Hieulam has been very studious lately, so Kudos to him! 5:30am study sessions are truly admirable. I wish I had the determination to do that. Well done Hieulam! :) Myemye was also being studious, doing some Maths, then hopped off to Chemistry tutor. Leena rocked up not long after me to do Chemistry. She was smelling beautiful and was wearing the bright, yellow hoodie we got together at the Cotton On Sale :). After not a lot of work, Hieulam was longing for Peter, so we called him to come. Unaware the the library was closing at 4pm, he said he’d come at 3:30. He ended up coming at 3:45, and sat down for like one second, then got up to leave cos we were leaving. LOL@Peter!

On the way back to pick up my brother from Saturday School, I hopped into the local chemist, and stood there contemplating whether or not I should go on the pill. I really want my periods to come, so as my hormones don’t run crazy, resulting in pimples and mood swings. The doctor said it (the pill) would regulate my period by taking over the natural cycle. The idea scared me.
As I was about to ask the shop assistant for some help, Jessica’s arguments ran into my head:
i) Being on the pill means I’m paying for my periods. Period-related costs will increase.
ii) Being on the pill means that I might gain weight, or get more acne, as side effects.
iii) Being on the pill means I’m replacing my natural cycle.
iv) Being on the pill means that …. (I forgot her last argument, but it was very persuasive).
So thanks to the girl with the cute neck, I’ve decided (for now) not to go onto the pill.

Usher’s Will Work For Love is on repeat today. Its the last track on the album, and its a good wrap-up of the album. The song kind of reminds me of the story my brother told me.
Today in the kitchen, as I was making some congee for my grandmother, Eric walked in and we started chatting. I randomly wanted to know whom he had a crush on (because he is at the age of puberty), so I asked him. He asked me about mine, and I truthfully answered, then asked him again. In hindsight, it seems that the little devil diverted the subject onto his friend instead. He told me this story about his friend Aaron, who had a crush on a girl named Cindy.
As a girl, Cindy has hair that is long. And when playing handball, her hair is likely to fall from the pony tail and cover her face. Anyway, the story goes like this. When Aaron sees Cindy’s hair get in the way of her vision, he would go up to her, and move that bit of her back behind her ear.
The mere vision melted my heart (LOL!). I thought it was absolutely adorable that Aaron would do that. And this was everytime they played handball together.
Aaron was probably the most popular boy in school or something. It seems like he has a lot of confidence: he was able to convey the feelings he had for Cindy at assembly, by saying “You’re hot” to her. I Lol’d at the way he said it. But nonetheless, I don’t know many people who would do say something like that in front of a school.
It seems that he’ll do anything and will work for love (even though its just a crush for him). He’s one of the people who inspire me to express the way I feel. I’ve planned to meet this Aaron boy one day, and give him a pat on the back (and a hug if I can).

I miss Bonnie. I miss hugs from Bonnie. I haven’t seen her in 2-3 weeks already. For those of yous who don’t know Bonnie, she is my Best friend. I love her. She is amazing at life. I hope to see her real soon. Here’s a picture for the time being.

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12 Responses to “habituate (verb). accustom”

  1. Peter Says:

    Waste of my time ,

    atleast i got outta tha house lol…

    gay lol

  2. Leena Says:

    naaw maggie.
    missing best friends is such a ‘dammit’ emotion.
    i feel the same about smurf. :)

    and BOO to jess’s arguements.
    i say do it and not need to fret about whether your baby making parts are functioning or not. lol.
    and some people use the pill to combat acne. not get it. and weight gain isnt usual in teenage peeps. ahaha. im pro-pill, although it has been giving me those darned headache…im going to doctors to replace mine with a no-headache side effect one. :) and then tadaa, back to replacement cycles (y)

    can i hug your brother?! like seriously he sounds like the coolest kid ever. i wanna a younger brother just based on yours. LOL. oooo crazy stalker!

    (L)

  3. TIMSUN Says:

    LUL primary school. Primary school was awesome. Like when they let us sleep in class under the disguise of Dead Soldiers because the teacher was tired and had probably used up all her Valium by 2pm.

    Actually scratch that. I went to OC class, also known as the ninth circle of hell in primary school. Never again.

  4. Ken Says:

    Looking in your eyes, while you walk the other side, and I think that shorty I got a thing for you.
    Doing it on purpose, winding and working it, I can tell by the way you’re looking at me girl.
    I wanna make love in this club, HEY, in this club, HEY, in this club, HEY.

  5. Shimene Says:

    Your brother is definitely a cutie! why can’t my brother be like that! they have the same name dammit! haha. I wish my brother would tell stories, instead, he will just tell me to shut up. So rude. lolz

    you should nag him further about his little crush, and if he won’t say at least you mmight get another nice little story out of him (:

  6. myemye Says:

    I’m with Leena; pro-pill!

    I went on it for dermatological purposes, period regulation was a bonus (Y) it was great

  7. hieusy Says:

    you should tell your brother to come see me about getting a man-card.

  8. Leena Says:

    I just re-read your blog and I realised I totally relate to those feelings you have for your grandma. But alas, the overseas distance conveniently numbed the feelings for me.

    Haaw man, everyones blogging is making me want to start up a blog but I figure there is seriously no point because I yabber away too much in person anyway so there would be nothing left for the potential blog entry :). Haha, I fail.

    You are one dedicated studious best Maggie.
    I salute you!

    I still want your brother (and that’s in the least pedo sense possible!)

    Toodles :)

  9. Leena Says:

    beast*

  10. Julie Says:

    Aww how cute! Sounds like primary school kids can be more romantic than the older kids :O HAHA!

  11. maggiesnail Says:

    Leena! You should start a blog.
    I’d love to read your ‘food for thoughts’ (:

    (L)

  12. Vanessa Says:

    i was just thinking about this post..

    if you want to go on the pill to regulate your period then i think you should..

    as a new society we pay for a lot of things we don’t take seriously.. such as pain killers.. one never thinks to oneself – oh i am paying to take away my period pain or headache..

    if taking these pills will regulate your period and level out your hormones a bit then i think its worth it.. it’s not like you’re going to be on them forever.. so what if you gain a bit of weight and a bit of acne.. life does most certainly go on..

    and i’ll still love you all the same.. hehehehe..

    back to work.. its 1:17am.

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